Rip City Wrestling

RCW officials announced over the weekend that final negotiations have now concluded with the representatives of the two final competitors to be entered into RCW’s Road To The Gold tournament to crown the first-ever RCW Champion. Those two men are:

• Mark Coleman
• “The Jersey Drifter” Liam Cassidy

Coleman and Cassidy will take their places in the Fatal Four-Way matches slated to be contested at the first-ever RCW RAMPAGE event, emanating live from Portland’s Rose Quarter arena on Thursday 9 March 2006. Tickets are still available from www.ticketmaster.com or the Rose Quarter box office.

Fans can tune into KPDX 49 this Thursday night at 10pm for the latest news from RCW, in the magazine show RCW On The Wire, hosted by Don Ditka.

The first edition of RCW On The Wire is now available for reading. Enjoy!

After another day of final negotiations, RCW’s talent roster now stands at 14 competitors — just two short of the 16 athletes set as the target for the first RCW live event, which is now just over two weeks away. Tuesday’s new signings are:

• “Pistol” Paul Driscoll
• Johnny Pleasence

RCW President Daniel Spreadbury announced these signings at a brief press conference, at which he also confirmed that the first live RCW event will be held on Thursday 9 March at Portland’s world-famous Rose Quarter arena.

“Tickets go on-sale tomorrow morning at 9am,” said Spreadbury, “and are available both in person from the Rose Quarter box office and online from www.ticketmaster.com. Don’t miss your opportunity to see the new generation of RCW stars tear up downtown Portland!”

Spreadbury also confirmed that a long-term agreement has been reached with local channel KPDX 49 to broadcast RCW shows and events, starting this Thursday night at 10pm with the inaugural broadcast of the magazine show RCW On The Wire. Full details of the 9 March live event will be announced on this week’s broadcast, so wrestling fans should be sure to tune in.

It’s now expected that the full roster of all 16 wrestlers will be signed ahead of Thursday’s broadcast. Spreadbury said that his front office staff have been overwhelmed by the number of resumés, tapes and walk-in visits from would-be talent, and that any new applications received would have to be considered for future expansion of the roster once the promotion is established.

The phones have been buzzing, and RCW road agents have been out getting handshake agreements on contracts to bring more talent to the burgeoning Portland upstart. Monday saw no fewer than five athletes signed to new RCW contracts, namely:

• Kolya Sudakov
• Madrock the Irrepressible
• Orin “The Lynx” LeBlanc
• “The Unbreakable” Trevor Lansing
• Bailey Fitzgerald

RCW President Daniel Spreadbury commented, “It’s been another busy day here at RCW. I’m very excited by the latest additions to the roster. Sudakov is a legitimate tough man, with incredible experience in Mixed Martial Arts combat, and Madrock the Irrepressible is a giant, quite unlike anybody I’ve ever seen in my time around the ring. Bailey Fitzgerald is a rookie, but a promising one with a lot of heart, and he’s going to need heart to compete here in RCW.”

Lead announcer Don Ditka was also in the RCW offices today, viewing tapes of the talent ahead of this Thursday’s inaugural RCW broadcast. “I’ve been so impressed with the quality of talent being brought into RCW so far,” he said, “and two of today’s signings stand out in particular. Orin LeBlanc is an amazing athletic prospect for a man of his size, and Trevor Lansing is a man with not only a tremendous amateur background, but also an impressive academic resumé. I’m looking forward to getting to know all of our great new talent.”

With the number of stars signed to RCW contracts now standing at 12, the number of slots remaining on the roster is dwindling. But it’s still not too late to be a part of RCW: apply today!

Attention wrestling fans.

What? That’s not an exciting enough intro for you?

OK. How about this:

ATTENTION, COUCH-SITTING, FRITO-EATING, THUNDERBIRD-DRINKING, SUBLITERATE JERRY SPRINGER WANNABE RASSLING FANS, THAT IS, THOSE FEW OF YOU INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO WORK A COMPUTER WITHOUT GETTING A BODY PART (which we’re all better off not knowing) STUCK IN THE DISK DRIVE.

Better?

Good. Because I am Owen “The Truth” Curtis, and you are about to read The Truth. In other words, you are about to be blessed. Immeasurably. Starting now.

Where shall I begin? At the beginning.

As you know, there is to be a new wrestling promotion that arises in the Rose City, also known as Portland. And as you also know, it is to be called … wait for it … Rip City Wrestling.

Wait a minute. Rip City Wrestling?

Rose City, Rip City, it makes no diff. None. You can call it Rural Championship Wrestling for all I care. The important thing is that you realize that I am the one who will be breaking the scoops around here. Dishing the dirt. Laying down the low down. Raking the muck. Am I clear?

Copacetic. (For all you pock-marked peons out there, that means “good.”) Because one of the biggest scoops of all is about to be broken, RIGHT NOW.

Are you ready for this? I mean, are you mentally prepared? To comprehend? The impact? Of the news that I am about to relate?

Rip City Wrestling — I would have called it Rose City rather than naming it after the catchphrase of worst team in the entire NBA — has signed a talent so stupendous that even the much-vaunted Double Eye never was able to get him under contract, despite that august federation’s many discussions with said superstar.

In fact, you should hold your applause until you are finished reading.

You ready? It’s me.

Owen “Truth” Curtis is coming to Rip City Wrestling, and he is bringing his spectacular array of technical and scientific talents to bear within the squared circle here.

You can breathe now.

That’s right. I’m coming to this promotion, hoping to give it the star power and athletic talent that it so desperately needs. After all, you can’t start off with a roster entirely filled with the Vinny Carmazzis of the world. You need someone who sells tickets. Enter me.

There’s so much more that I want to tell you all, but The Truth is like an expensive but utterly fulfilling ice cream. It must be spooned out slowly enough that it doesn’t give you a huge headache simply due to the blowing of your mind.

So adieu for now. Which means goodbye. Sheesh. That’s two dictionary-worthy words you didn’t know. Why, I’m improving your vocabulary already. You’ll graduate from CMT to CNN in no time, satellite watcher. I’ll wean you from moron culture yet.

Just keep reading me.